I am lovely just the way that I am.

I just had a seriously fucking creepy dream

with a girl climbing stakes nailed to a tree and essentially going insane about “the red pigtails” and at the end killing herself with the words “and I will wear them, and they will be red, because he loves it”

What the actual fuck.

It’s a process. And in the beginning, it’s really hard. It feels like the hardest fucking thing you’ve ever had to do. Maybe it is. And it’s hard to really get a grip on anything. The aching pain is blinding. But slowly, and painstakingly, it starts to hurt a little bit less. Nothing extraordinary, but suddenly you gain a bit of perspective. This is the part where it appears to get easier. And in some respects, it does. In another respect, you are in for more pain and fighting than you knew. It is a constant battle between willing yourself to go forward and struggling against collapse. The best approach is positive reinforcement. You must tell yourself, and force yourself to believe. Deep inside, you know that this will pass. As long as you can push forward, you’re going to be okay. And eventually, before you even know it, you are a new, stronger creature. More beautiful and alive than ever before. When you look back, all the pain and suffering suddenly seems so minute. You have made it through.

I’m so exhausted all the time.

Specfuckingtacular

I tell ya.

Things that make you scared?

• Applying to and actually going to college
• The thought that there is no such thing as a non-shitty person
• Knowing my social skills aren’t the best and worrying that I might not make friends well at college
• Not being sure if I’m choosing the right school, career, major, etc.
• That I might end up marrying a dick head only to get divorced and die alone (lol)
• I don’t know. A lot of things involving friends and relationships and growing up lol.

Remember when we never had to remember when times were better? When times were better than this.

Three things you are proud of about your personality?

1. I can be very strong willed when I want/need to be.
2. I’m intelligent and creative.
3. I’m super organized. 

Woooop.

The best thing to happen to you this week?

Um, this week has been pretty much shit. Lol. Today I thought I got gas for $3.00/gallon but now I’m not sure if it was really $3.39 before I used my bonus points or not. Sooo, however you want to count that.

Went to the movies. That, I guess, is the best thing, woo.

I wanna get incredibly fucking wasted.

Something disgusting you do?

Sometimes I pick my nose. Whatever I’ll admit it lol. 

A date you would love to go on?

I’m not really picky. I would just want to go do something fun, or exciting, or go out to eat or see a movie, or go on a picnic or go for a walk. I think that first dates should be low pressure and should give you an opportunity to get to know each other and enjoy each others company. I just think it should be filled with laughter and talking.

Things you want to say to an ex.

Uhhh, I sorta got to do this a few weeks ago anyway. Just basically that:

• I really fucking loved you and you never even gave a shit.
• You will probably not end up dating as nice of a girl as me again. (Not to sound high and mighty and shit, but let’s face it. Boys like you don’t get nice girls who just want to go to college and have a nice life. You get crack heads and sluts because those are only people who would waste their time on you.)
• You didn’t deserve me.
• It never would have worked anyway because we’re too different and we’re going in two different directions.
• I hope you’re nicer to the next girl.
• I am not the heartless bitch you would like to believe I am.
• I wasted too much time on you for you to throw it away and expect me to beg you to come back.
• You were basically a shitty boyfriend.
• I still miss our relationship because you were honestly my first love and I’m having a hard time accepting that.
• I really fucking loved you. I mean, I feel as though you treated me like shit and I should have broke up with you a long time ago, but I couldn’t because I was so afraid of losing you.
• Even still, I would like to thank you for the part you have played in my life. I wouldn’t be who I am today without all of the experiences and memories. To be fair, things were not always bad, and I would like to apologize for only being able to see the bad things for a very long time.
• I’m glad you broke up with me. It was the single hardest yet most rewarding thing I have ever had to experience. I have grown more in the last few months than I have in a very long time.
• Oh, and I sincerely hope that one day, you’re happy.